What makes a guy a catch instead of a loser? What makes a guy a saint instead of a
sinner? According to The Nice Guy’s
Guide to Women and Dating, common “Nice Guy” characteristics are:
· Having an external locus of emotional control.
Since nice guys lack internal self-worth, their feelings are easily influenced by forces outside themselves. Social anxiety, self-consciousness, shyness and a lack of social confidence would all be examples of this characteristic.
· The need to hide their perceived flaws or low self-worth and everything that causes it or comes from it.
This would be things like toxic shamed sexual desire, toxic fear-based nervousness, self-loathing, putting others down and in reality any feelings they deem inappropriate or flawed. This need to repress themselves often leaves nice guys vulnerable to addiction. After all the feelings have to be dealt with somehow. This can also cause perfectionism and a need to do things right on the first try based on an idealized false self. This is also why nice guys generally fail to live up to anywhere near their full potential because they are constantly plugging leaks in their facade and trying to avoid an unmasking. This is also why nice guys tend to avoid facing their fears like approaching attractive women or overcoming shyness. This would involve revealing their perceived flaws and low self-worth.
· The need to find someone special who they can make their emotional center.
This is due to a need to gain validation and increase self-worth. In their childhood this role was fulfilled by their parents. They can't feel good about themselves unless someone they need, desire and admire feels the same way about them. This would generally be a woman. The problem is, this is once again external validation and the effect tends to wear off or diminish over time. This is primarily because nice guys tend to lose respect for their partners. After all, who would ever want to love, cherish and be with someone who is so obviously flawed?
· The need to give and put others needs above their own.
This is done in an effort to get approval and feel better about themselves. This behavior was learned in childhood when they found it was in their best interest to put the needs of their emotionally unstable, selfish and/or needy parent(s) needs over their own. This is why nice guys can be handy to have around if they really like you and you need a favor. This also leaves them very vulnerable to being taken advantage of and in possession of very weak boundaries.
· The need to fix things, situations and other peoples problems.
This is similar to the need above, and is worth mentioning because it explains why nice guys are very co-dependent and often attracted to emotionally unstable women and other situations where things need fixing. Being around other needy and selfish people makes them feel needed. After all you can't fix what's not broken. Nice guys are usually the master of this because they have a lot of experience trying to fix one or both of their parents. These are also the kind of people they feel most comfortable with and experience the best chemistry with. Misery loves company.
· The need to avoid conflict.
Nice guys are generally scared to death of conflict and will avoid it at all costs. This is practically the definition of a cowardly male. This is due to the fact that they are worried about the disapproval of others and because they hate drawing attention to themselves. This is exactly the opposite of what they are trying to accomplish which is to blend in with the crowd in order to avoid conflict. Nice guys are always people pleasers to a fault.
· Being timid and shy.
I decided to give this its own category because even though it's not always present, it usually is. I think every nice guy struggles with this to one degree or another and it's just that some are better at covering it than others. It also tends to disappear if Mr. Nice Guy finds a way to get a lot of external validation, but without that he will default back to being shy and timid. This is based a need for approval or eternal validation which causes an extreme fear of rejection. There is also the fear of conflict, the fear of revealing shame and flaws and the fear of being seen as less than perfect. These fears cause guys a lot of social anxiety and therefore results in awkward behavior. It also causes a fear of revealing sexual desire or love shyness. This is usually a one way ticket to the friends zone because it kills dominance, confidence and therefore attraction.
· The Nice Guy Belief.
Nice guys truly believe that if they can just find a way to hide their shame and their flaws and act perfectly as they think others would want them to, then all their dreams will come true and all their needs will be met.
Now, what about the opposite? What characteristics leave nice guys not so nice?
· Manipulative behavior.
This is a hallmark bad behavior of nice guys that makes them not so nice. They give to get by employing hidden contracts. On the surface when a nice guy starts doing all sorts of nice and thoughtful things it appears unselfish, but the nice guy is always looking for a payoff. Most people are wise to this.
· Dishonesty.
Usually done to avoid conflict, hide true motives or hide perceived flaws.
· Acting aloof, secretive and passive aggressive.
This is a common tactic nice guys adopt once they figure out the Mr. Nice Guy routine is a bust. It is a form of avoidance. They figure that since women aren't attracted to neediness that they can hide it with being aloof and secretive. This is generally true, but being aloof and secretive often results in isolation and dependency on drugs, porn and/or prostitution. Being passive aggressive avoids direct conflict.
· Compartmentalizing of their behavior.
Nice guys had lots of practice doing this to hide their shame and bad behavior as children. This often continues into adulthood to rationalize things like infidelity, porn abuse or drug abuse. This also helps to keep them in denial of the seriousness of their situation.
· Becoming controlling.
Nice guys often appear cool and calm on the surface, but underneath they are usually full of rage, anger, resentment, hate and/or frustration. This can come out at unexpected times and seem totally out of proportion to the circumstances. An example would be Jekyll and Hyde behavior when Mr. Nice Guy drinks alcohol.
· Acting like an arrogant jerk.
When a nice guy finds success in garnering loads of external validation they will often flip from an inferiority complex to one of superiority. They in effect let success go to their heads. Mr. Nice Guy can turn into a total prick if he no longer needs you. This is also done in an effort to gain false self-worth and confidence because one way to make yourself feel better is to lower the value of others.
· Having an external locus of emotional control.
Since nice guys lack internal self-worth, their feelings are easily influenced by forces outside themselves. Social anxiety, self-consciousness, shyness and a lack of social confidence would all be examples of this characteristic.
· The need to hide their perceived flaws or low self-worth and everything that causes it or comes from it.
This would be things like toxic shamed sexual desire, toxic fear-based nervousness, self-loathing, putting others down and in reality any feelings they deem inappropriate or flawed. This need to repress themselves often leaves nice guys vulnerable to addiction. After all the feelings have to be dealt with somehow. This can also cause perfectionism and a need to do things right on the first try based on an idealized false self. This is also why nice guys generally fail to live up to anywhere near their full potential because they are constantly plugging leaks in their facade and trying to avoid an unmasking. This is also why nice guys tend to avoid facing their fears like approaching attractive women or overcoming shyness. This would involve revealing their perceived flaws and low self-worth.
· The need to find someone special who they can make their emotional center.
This is due to a need to gain validation and increase self-worth. In their childhood this role was fulfilled by their parents. They can't feel good about themselves unless someone they need, desire and admire feels the same way about them. This would generally be a woman. The problem is, this is once again external validation and the effect tends to wear off or diminish over time. This is primarily because nice guys tend to lose respect for their partners. After all, who would ever want to love, cherish and be with someone who is so obviously flawed?
· The need to give and put others needs above their own.
This is done in an effort to get approval and feel better about themselves. This behavior was learned in childhood when they found it was in their best interest to put the needs of their emotionally unstable, selfish and/or needy parent(s) needs over their own. This is why nice guys can be handy to have around if they really like you and you need a favor. This also leaves them very vulnerable to being taken advantage of and in possession of very weak boundaries.
· The need to fix things, situations and other peoples problems.
This is similar to the need above, and is worth mentioning because it explains why nice guys are very co-dependent and often attracted to emotionally unstable women and other situations where things need fixing. Being around other needy and selfish people makes them feel needed. After all you can't fix what's not broken. Nice guys are usually the master of this because they have a lot of experience trying to fix one or both of their parents. These are also the kind of people they feel most comfortable with and experience the best chemistry with. Misery loves company.
· The need to avoid conflict.
Nice guys are generally scared to death of conflict and will avoid it at all costs. This is practically the definition of a cowardly male. This is due to the fact that they are worried about the disapproval of others and because they hate drawing attention to themselves. This is exactly the opposite of what they are trying to accomplish which is to blend in with the crowd in order to avoid conflict. Nice guys are always people pleasers to a fault.
· Being timid and shy.
I decided to give this its own category because even though it's not always present, it usually is. I think every nice guy struggles with this to one degree or another and it's just that some are better at covering it than others. It also tends to disappear if Mr. Nice Guy finds a way to get a lot of external validation, but without that he will default back to being shy and timid. This is based a need for approval or eternal validation which causes an extreme fear of rejection. There is also the fear of conflict, the fear of revealing shame and flaws and the fear of being seen as less than perfect. These fears cause guys a lot of social anxiety and therefore results in awkward behavior. It also causes a fear of revealing sexual desire or love shyness. This is usually a one way ticket to the friends zone because it kills dominance, confidence and therefore attraction.
· The Nice Guy Belief.
Nice guys truly believe that if they can just find a way to hide their shame and their flaws and act perfectly as they think others would want them to, then all their dreams will come true and all their needs will be met.
Now, what about the opposite? What characteristics leave nice guys not so nice?
· Manipulative behavior.
This is a hallmark bad behavior of nice guys that makes them not so nice. They give to get by employing hidden contracts. On the surface when a nice guy starts doing all sorts of nice and thoughtful things it appears unselfish, but the nice guy is always looking for a payoff. Most people are wise to this.
· Dishonesty.
Usually done to avoid conflict, hide true motives or hide perceived flaws.
· Acting aloof, secretive and passive aggressive.
This is a common tactic nice guys adopt once they figure out the Mr. Nice Guy routine is a bust. It is a form of avoidance. They figure that since women aren't attracted to neediness that they can hide it with being aloof and secretive. This is generally true, but being aloof and secretive often results in isolation and dependency on drugs, porn and/or prostitution. Being passive aggressive avoids direct conflict.
· Compartmentalizing of their behavior.
Nice guys had lots of practice doing this to hide their shame and bad behavior as children. This often continues into adulthood to rationalize things like infidelity, porn abuse or drug abuse. This also helps to keep them in denial of the seriousness of their situation.
· Becoming controlling.
Nice guys often appear cool and calm on the surface, but underneath they are usually full of rage, anger, resentment, hate and/or frustration. This can come out at unexpected times and seem totally out of proportion to the circumstances. An example would be Jekyll and Hyde behavior when Mr. Nice Guy drinks alcohol.
· Acting like an arrogant jerk.
When a nice guy finds success in garnering loads of external validation they will often flip from an inferiority complex to one of superiority. They in effect let success go to their heads. Mr. Nice Guy can turn into a total prick if he no longer needs you. This is also done in an effort to gain false self-worth and confidence because one way to make yourself feel better is to lower the value of others.
Interesting, no?
While I was reading this, I found myself reviewing my own behaviors and
trying to rationalize some while decrying others.
So, who’s a saint and who’s a sinner? Hhrrmm?
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