Sunday, June 16, 2013

When Size DOES Matter

Made you look.

Get your minds out of the gutters, guys.  (Not that it doesn't belong there, anyway; but I can see how a blog about underwear and titles such as this would instantly lead to some not-so-pure thoughts.)  This rant is about the media and the disparity it perpetuates.

These are my own observations: normal, everyday, network television absolutely, positively seems to ignore the fact that anything sheer or form-fitting (briefs, long johns and boxer briefs) exist.  I can't recall the last time I hooked into NBC and saw the (male) star of the show waltzing around in anything but boxers.  (I did see Stephen Pasquale in a quick Speedo shot on the quickly-canceled-now-you-see-it-now-you-don't Do No Harm, but since we're talking about underwear and not swimwear, it technically doesn't count.)  It seems like Hollywood is backsliding into Jockeys and boxers, which don't do their wearers any justice: it degrades their status as sex symbols.

I used to deride actors who dedicated themselves strictly to independent projects, but now I understand the draw.  These movies and shows usually end up on cable, where the rules are a bit more lax.  It's a shame that sexism abounds and that women can prance around in next to nothing, but a guy can't be given the same consideration when it comes to undershorts.  If he's not wearing Y-fronts or baggy boxers, we usually only get treated to a waistband (if that) or a camera shot that suggests nudity, and frustrated viewers like myself mutter, "Pan down!"  I can't remember the last time I was watching television with male friends, women were walking around in a bra and panties, and they were panting ... "Oh, yeah, put on that camisole ... oh, yeah, a tight T-shirt.  Put on the tight T-shirt."

Please.  It's only after the "family hour" that we get any hint of an actor's underwear choices, and even then, it's hit-or-miss.

Movies seem to be the exact opposite - who can forget Ryan Reynolds' turn as Green Lantern?  (It turns out everyone can, since the movie was universally panned, even on nerd-fest superhero friendly The Big Bang Theory.  I for one enjoyed it.)  We got to see Ryan in two ever-so-brief (get it?) shots - one where he's bounding out of bed with Miss Right Now, and another where he's being scanned by an alien computer.  Frankly, those shots weren't long enough.

The one exception that occurs to me in movie context is Jason Statham.  I don't think I've seen him in anything besides a balloon-y pair of boxer shorts, and I feel like I'm being cheated.  Not only does he have, like, -3% body fat and pectorals you could bounce a moon rock on, but he's got that whole not-Samson thing going with the way he shaves his head.  Throw into the mix that he was considered for the national British swim team (Speedos), and well, there you go.  Why the hell isn't he prancing around in a pair of briefs or some really tight trunks?  Inquiring minds want to know!

I know it probably has to do with latent body image on the part of the actor; perhaps there's even a bit of wanting to play the mystique card, too.  You know, keep the audience coming back for more.  Sex symbols must have a tough time with this ... how much is enough?  Too much?  It's disappointing for audiences to shell out $10.00 for a movie that has the promise of a favorite leading man, and it's the little Easter eggs that make spending the money worth it.  Colin Farrell doing full-frontal nudity (A Home at the End of the World, Alexander)?  I am so there.  Ewan McGregor (I Love You Philip Morris)?  Ditto.

Putting the subject in the context of wanton sexism isn't crude.  It's a basic truism: People like looking at (nearly-)naked bodies.  I feel that, if you have the guts to strut your stuff, you should go the full Monty.  It only makes sense.  And it shouldn't matter if it's television, cable, film, or direct-to-video.  Get the censors out of heads and our libidos.  It's what people pay for.  (I mean, really: who's going to see Behind the Candelabra because they're absolutely gunning to find out all the details of Liberace's life?  Uh-uh.  It's because you get to see Matt Damon in a very skimpy brief.)

Size DOES matter, but it's the size of the screen.  Let us guess at the size of what you're covering.  The issue is, there has to be an outline.  A boxer short leaves too much guesswork, and I don't want to guess.  I want to know.  Too much guessing makes my head hurt.


No comments:

Post a Comment