Being a fan of science fiction and comics (yes, I was that kid before I became a swimmer ... I was a theater geek, too), I thought it might be beneficial to get your imaginations wandering and minds focusing on what the future might hold for us. Let's visit our special retrospective celebrating the future of underwear, circa 2013, and review what television and film have explored for us. Maybe it will serve as inspiration for readers of the blog, or maybe just an eye opener. And, of course, since I am by no means an encyclopedia of every science fiction movie, series or comic book, some of your suggestions can make their way into a future post.
Now, here are your runners-up and winner of The Future Underwear Cavalcade. (Keep in mind there was no swimsuit, talent, or evening wear competition - I'm going strictly off what I know and what is visible, if you get my drift. I'm also not including historical dramas, action/adventure films, etc. here. All of this is strictly sci-fi.)
Bringing up the back of the pack are your Honorable Mentions. There are three, each special and unique in their own way:
Honorable Mention #1: The costumes/everyday wear of the citizens of the City of Domes in the 1976 film adaptation of William F. Nolan's dystopian novel, Logan's Run. While there are no specific underwear shots and brief flashes of female frontal nudity, the material was sheer, extremely form-fitting, and there were plenty of side-boob/butt shots of the female performers. There is one scene where our protagonists, Logan and Jessica, enter "The Love Shop," where an orgy is in progress. Still, the basic primary colors of the simple costumes and their fit left very little to the imagination. The film was visually impressive for its time, and won a Special Academy Award for achievement in visual effects.
Honorable Mention #2: Richard Tatro's body suit/leotard from the classic Star Trek episode "I, Mudd." Tatro plays Norman, an android (and, gauging from the fit of his costume, an anatomically-correct one at that) that leads over 200,000 other androids on a planet with no masters, until Harry Mudd comes into the picture. What follows is a hilarious slapstick send-up that terminates with William Shatner's Kirk and Mudd having to resort to a logical paradox to make Norman's circuits overload. The smoke coming from Norman's head is just the pièce de résistance as he breaks down, standing up and still in "underwear" glory. I'm glad Tatro was confident enough with his manhood to give the role a try.
Honorable Mention #3: The form-fitting uniforms from the British sci-fi series Space: 1999, which was telecast from 1975-1977. Although the costumes underwent a major makeover for the second of the two series, the tunics and pants left very little to the imagination. And, of course, although it was set in 1999 (and beyond), it's fun to see what we now know to be fashions that were strictly indicative of the 1970s - full beards, long Monkees-style haircuts and platform shoes. We didn't see any proper underwear (there were brief swimwear shots occasionally for scenes in the solarium, scattered throughout the episodes), although a second series' episode, "Catacombs of the Moon," did take place during a "heat crisis," forcing the men of Moonbase Alpha to wear tight tank tops.
Your runners-up are:
Fourth Runner-Up: The 1984 science fiction/comedy The Ice Pirates. Starring many (now-)big names, such as Robert Urich, Michael D. Roberts, Mary Crosby, Anjelica Huston, Ron Perlman, John Matuszak, and Bruce Vilanch, the titular heroes are trying to find a mythical planet of water in a parched universe. Our heroes run afoul of the bad guys and are sent to a "eunuch factory." Urich and Roberts escape being neutered by Mary Crosby, but still have to go through the ruse of having been castrated, significant because the eunuchs are sold in a showroom on turntables and are forced to wear iridescent tank tops and matching leotards. (How "gay".) Capped off with Urich doing a falsetto ... priceless.
Third Runner-Up: The all-too-brief medieval underwear shot at the beginning of 2003 movie Timeline, based on the novel by Michael Crichton. Set primarily in 14th century France, our heroes have to avoid having history changed at a decisive battle between the English and the French. Jayson Merrill's "Vincent Taub" is one of the time travelers who has returned from 1357 wearing full Renaissance-era garb. He ends up in a hospital, which is where we get our shot of what appears to be a linen-type boxer short. The scene is all-too-quick, but Merrill has a handsome, boy-next-door quality that pulls it off. (Too bad his character dies and that's the last we see of him.)
Second Runner-Up: Sam J. Jones' leather briefs in the titular 1980 film Flash Gordon. (NOT Flesh Gordon. Flash Gordon.) Although the movie bombed in the United States, it was relatively popular in Britain and Europe and managed to snag Jones some small television jobs, cameos (such as in Ted), and a repeat printing of his 1975 Playgirl spread. The briefs actually get a decent amount of screen time, primarily as he's marched into Ming the Merciless' execution chamber. The beefy pecs don't hurt, either. Unfortunately it turns creepy: his resurrection from a coffin by Ming's daughter Aura, in which he's still wearing said briefs and covered with a satin shroud. But there's tongue-in-cheek byplay, too, especially as Aura tells him, "I like you ... a lot."
First Runner-Up: It's not Star Trek unless Jim Kirk is getting laid, right? Although we had plenty to whisper about from the classic series, we never got to see any of Shatner's business. Change of direction for the 2009 J.J. Abrams incarnation, where one of our first scenes is Chris Pine's Kirk getting it on with Uhura's Academy roommate. Kirk is a briefs man! Pine pulls it off well as a guy who's cheated out of sex, has to hide under the bed, and is eventually thrown out of the room - while wearing nothing but his skivvies. The scene could have been longer, but it was nicely complemented by the 2013 sequel Into Darkness, where he's a wearing a wetsuit, and the camera is perfectly positioned to see what we want to see.
And the WINNER is ...
Sting, as Feyd-Rautha in the 1984 box office bomb Dune, which has since rebounded into popular sci-fi culture. Frank Herbert's story lags (the book seemed endless), there a lot of characters who do nothing and have no purpose, but anyone who's seen it knows that Sting's steam-capsule, sweat-covered, lithe body, with looking-like-a-bird-with-wings-wide bikini brief just can't be beaten. The crazed smile and his efficient, definitive, "I will kill him!" at the end of the film just add icing to the cake. Fortunately, he had his career as a musician to fall back on, and we can now appreciate such songs as "Russians," "Fields of Gold," "Alien in New York," and numerous Sting wanna-bes (Gotye's "Someone That I Used to Know" comes to mind).
So, there you have it ... this is what the future holds for appreciators of underwear, everywhere. I like it!
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