Star Power

How do you know when you’ve hit it big?  Is it when you reach $100,000,000.00 in assets?  When you get your first piece of real estate in Europe? Marry an international rock/sports star? When you’re booked to headline the Emmys?  Or how about when you’re nominated for your first Academy Award?

No, no, no, no and no.  You’ve got star power when you have the cojones (in more ways than one) to launch your own personal underwear line.  Think about it.  If you’re in the light, then everything else has to be, and obviously male celebrities need to be prepared to bare all.  Ladies can’t, lest those nasty censors get involved.  And guys … well, let’s just say we have that natural curve that makes undershorts inspection interesting.

Now, to deviate for a moment, ladies are probably a lot more concerned with their lacies than men are, for obvious reasons.  There are the questions that come to mind when inspecting undergarments in your mall’s department store: “Does this make my butt look big?  Should I wear a thong?  Does it have a matching top?”  Nowadays, women are in the intimates category in a big way – there are lots of names, lots of styles: Gisele Bundchen, Ellen DeGeneres, Elle MacPherson, Dita Von Teese, Mashonda, Jessica Simpson, and Janet Jackson, just to name a few.  It’s like a woman’s smorgasbord of underwear comparable to Dr. Seuss’ One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.  Different underwear styles and cuts for different body types, period.

Men don’t think this way about their undershorts.  To be blunt, all a guy wants to know about his underwear is that they profile his junk in the most positive way possible.  I remember seeing a comic (can’t remember who, unfortunately) comparing the sexes: “Women are always complaining about their size.  ‘I wish I was bigger.’  Or ‘I wish I was smaller.’  Guys don’t have this problem.  Guys have never had this problem.  Guys just want to be bigger.”

That’s why men’s underwear is so interesting and so easy to understand.  It has one function, and that’s it.  I am a big believer in the precept that your underwear gets you laid.  Wrong or not, misinformed or not, that’s my message and I’m sticking to it.

Of all the personal labels headlined by men, soccer giant David Beckham deserves the most credit, because he did it the right way.  He started with an already-established label (Emporio Armani), got himself on every billboard between Los Angeles and London, and made sure he was a success in his professional life.  “I had the idea of doing a bodywear collection for some time …. [Armani] told me that their gross turnover in 2007 was around 16 million euros and after the campaign in 2008 it went up to 31 million ….  It proved to me that there is a real market for good-looking, well-made men’s bodywear.  I [couldn’t] wait to show people the collection, although I’m not sure my mum [was] too happy seeing a billboard image of me in underwear again.”  (Yeah.  I’m sure Mrs. Beckham was completely humiliated by nudging other old ladies and saying, “That’s my son.  Isn’t he handsome?”)

All he had to do was keep his nose clean and sit down with a designer, and he was set.  Boom.  (He probably ticked all the requisite items off on his fingers:  get personal underwear label David Beckham Bodywear to sell through the roof, check.  Initiate large contract with H & M, check.  Produce underwear commercial/video that makes its way onto YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPcjTefW_Ao), check.  And he did it with a smile and “Aw, shucks,” self-deprecation. 

I like Mario Lopez’ Rated M Underwear for Men and Their Very Special Guests, too.  Like David Beckham Bodywear, they have a great fit and mix of fabrics.  The colors are bright, the cut is narrow, and there’s an “M” threading that helps accentuate the brand.  I only have two pair, but I plan to add to those very soon.  (It also doesn’t hurt that Mario, like David, does all of the modeling on the website and had his impromptu fashion show, as noted in my June 24 post.  Link to it at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/06/mario-lopezs-underwear_n_2631456.html).  And Mario has done the same thing as David – he branded himself first.  Granted, he did have that minor speed bump with that whole annulment thing from Ali Landry, but when you have Latin heat like that, who the f*** cares?

These are the two big names, but what else is out there?  Australian Olympian swimmer Ian Thorpe supposedly has an underwear line titled “Oxygen,” but I haven’t been able to find anything definitive on it.  Swedish tennis legend Björn Borg also has an underwear line out, but the colors and cuts (in my opinion) or either boring or hideously ugly.  Justin Timberlake is supposed to be branching out with his William Rast line to include underwear and men’s suits, instead of just sticking with casual clothing.  I just hope that if they come to fruition, they don’t misfire.  Because they have those.  Just ask Chris Brown.

(I never turn down a chance to dig on Chris Brown.  I wasn’t a fan of Chris Brown before people decided they weren’t fans anymore.  I don’t like the guy, and apparently big fashion houses don’t either.  After his “tiff” with Rihanna, his plans for an underwear line called Big Headed – appropriate, don’t you think? – got scrapped, which just goes to show you that star power is fleeting.  He would probably say the idea was his, because he wanted to concentrate solely on his music, but would anyone truly believe that?  It’s a stretch.)

Whatever the circumstances for Chris Brown’s underwear implosion, I don’t think a misfire is in the cards for Beckham and Lopez as they continue their forays into men’s fashion and grabbing opportunity by the balls, so to speak.  The only problem I could potentially see is if they go … ahem, head to head.  (Sorry.  Had to go there.)  I honestly have no idea which one to lay my money on and I would so pay to see that.

Wouldn’t you?  I think you might.

Shop David and Mario at http://www.hm.com/gb/subdepartment/MEN?Nr=4294930476 and http://ratedm.com/.