The "Hot Body (Bag) Award"

Most of us have, at some point in our lives, a fantasy to die in flagrante delicto.  There’s nothing embarrassing about it; it’s the way men think on the most basic level.  Most people will declare, when faced with a scenario about the end of the world, that they either want to spend their last moments with their family or, to put it bluntly, “in bed f***ing my brains out.”

Simple and to the point.  I can respect that.

While most of us probably won’t die in such a fashion, there is the occasional news story of someone found dead in less-than-desirable circumstances.  These are usually celebrities who die suddenly and without warning – Heath Ledger, Michael Hutchence, and David Carradine come to mind.  This got me to thinking (as such news stories always do) about all of the deaths we see in television and film.  Fake deaths sure, glorified for the sake of entertainment absolutely … but deaths all the same.  We’ve become detached to such images; it’s not unusual now to see blood, gore, and all the trimmings in a good death scene.

My logical thought progression was about actors who are willing to do nude or underwear scenes.  I mean, you have to be pretty secure with modesty and manhood to bare all (or, in the case of undershorts, bare enough), but in mainstream film, usually these scenes are “quickies:” walking through a room; a quick pan-down; or the hint of a waistband while, say, opening a door.  (Porn, on the other hand, is a completely different beast, and you know what I mean.)  There’s usually a “Let me throw some clothes on,” and the movie continues.  But what about scenes where actors die in their underwear?  Think about it … knowing that directors can never get something done in one take, and that you have to stay still for who-knows-how-long (because you’re a corpse), that’s even more impressive.  Most guys don’t give a rat’s a** about walking around in their shorts – again, this is how we’re hardwired as males – but it’s still got to be taxing.

After some further thought, I did some research on the Internet, scoured my brain for examples, and came up with this “mini-list” of notable, fictional deaths in underwear.  As with my previous fantasy vending machine list, I’m sure there are many, many more I have never heard of or seen, but these are the ones that stick out in my mind, due to their context, content and duration.  (And I know some of you dirty-minded little sots are going to rush to Hulu, the Internet, or Netflix in order to review these so you’ll know I’m right.  So there.)

So here you go, my list of must-see “To Die in Underwear” shots:

Honorable Mention: The 1959 fraternity member in Night of the Creeps.  I can’t find an actor credit on this guy, so I’ll call him “Bodhi.”  Bodhi and his date encounter both an axe murderer and an interstellar zombifying space slug on the same night (talk about bad luck, right?).  Bodhi ends up being infected by said slug and put on ice by military scientists in his underwear, until he’s thawed out in the mid-80’s by our heroes, which leads to the titular Night of the Creeps.  The only reason this is an honorable mention is because Bodhi didn’t die in his underwear; we find him that way later in a cryogenic capsule.  But we do get some shots and stills of our zombified frat boy in white briefs.  (If you can find this movie, good luck.  Your best bet is at a swap meet.)

Fourth Runner-up: Film-and-television-I’ll-play-anything veteran David Keith in An Officer and a Gentleman.  Keith’s character (Sid) washes out of his training program, and following a botched marriage proposal in which he’s sent packing by his gold-digging “friend with benefits,” he commits suicide in a local motel.  He’s found hanging in the shower (in Jockey shorts … that next-to-the-lowest-form of underwear) by Richard Gere and Debra Winger.  The camera’s angle would make you believe that he’s in the buff as Gere tries to wrestle him down from the shower fixture, but there is a clear shot of Y-fronts.

Third Runner-up: Daytime soap opera actor Rick Hearst (credited as Richard C. Hearst) in Warlock III: The End of Innocence.  (Not surprising at all that Hearst altered his moniker, as this movie was awful.)  Hearst plays Scott, a pretty-to-look-at, sadomasochistic college buddy of the heroine, who has inherited an old house in the middle of nowhere (aren’t they always?); she was targeted by the titular warlock in a previous life, because she can fulfill his plan to sire a race of evil.  Key to the warlock’s strategy is that he must get her closest friends to denounce and surrender her, which he accomplishes by torturing her five friends individually.  The last we see of sadomasochistic college buddy Rick is hanging from hooks by his collarbone in a medieval torture chamber, wearing nothing but a pair of briefs and not particularly enjoying himself.  (Same as Night of the Creeps.  Can’t imagine this is among Blockbuster or Netflix’ key titles.)

Second Runner-up: Go to the sci-fi classics for this one – Rick Rossovich in The Terminator.  Menacing Gubernator Arnie beats the living crap out Sarah Conner’s roommate’s boyfriend (Rossovich) right after they’re finished having sex.  Wearing nothing but socks and a pair of briefs, Rossovich’s Matt is slammed into walls, a mirror, through a sliding glass door – and he keeps coming back for more (presumably because he’s a jock who works in a gym).  Poor Matt meets his end after he’s used as a bloody battering ram and center-punched through the bedroom door.  We don’t see him dead in his underwear (and it could be debated whether there’s any underwear left as it’s probably been cut to ribbons), but still … a guy going after another guy in his skivvies?  Rock on.

First Runner-up: Rose Steele’s Fantasy – Sculpture.  This ten-minute video blurb is from Scream Kings Productions (a carbon copy of the previously-mentioned Rapid Heart Productions), except the actors are usually older and there are feasible plot lines.  In this feature, our heroine is abused housewife Rose Steele (Susan Adriensen), who fantasizes about murdering her bodybuilder husband Frank (Marv Blauvelt) and his two gym buddies Sal and Blake (David Gilkey and Jeremy Mulkey).  In her eerie fantasy sequence, Frank takes on the persona of a silent, leather-clad, sadomasochist, masked majordomo while Rose dances and flits around the two “statues” of Gilkey and Mulkey, who are wearing nothing but briefs.  Her sculptures are self-aware and watch her while she dances; they change their poses occasionally, but are powerless as she first strangles them and then pits them against each other with carving knifes.  It’s creepy but can’t-stop-watching fascinating, coupled with two incredibly buff guys wearing next to nothing.  (On YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XEI7DY90MQ.)

And although I’m sure he would prefer an Emmy or an Oscar nod, here is the actor who has the distinction of being the introductory recipient of my blog’s “Hot Body (Bag)” Award.  The Best Actor to Die in His Underwear is:

Eric Winter, in the sixth-season CSI: Crime Scene Investigation episode titled “Room Service.”  Movie star Julian Harper (Winter, below, pictured with Robert David Hall) is found dead in his hotel suite following a night of partying with groupies.  Typical CSI: as theory after theory and suspect after suspect are eliminated, giving us an unexpected, final answer as to “Whodunit?”  Winter is buff and certainly nice to look at, and although the underwear scenes could be more “defining,” if you know what I mean, the lighting of the set and the solution to the mystery of what happened to our muscular, good-looking, young up-and-comer is worth watching.  (No spoilers, but it’s probably not who or even what you’re expecting.)  Winter’s latest work includes roles on The Mentalist and GCB (Good Christian B****es).

I’ll be stretching my imagination for more “Top” lists in the future.  Play safe, always wear a fresh pair, and stay tuned!

And a P.S.: Under-who, Under-when, UNDERWEAR sends a special shout out to Erko Jun as he competes for the title of Mister Model Universe 2013 in Miami, Florida, U.S.A.  Sretno, Erko!  We're rooting for you!