The Gold, The Silver and The Bronze

Ask straight guys the first three things they inspect on a woman and they will invariably say, “boobs, butt, and legs.”  Tom and I often speak about girls and dating with our exchange students, whether they have a girlfriend, etc., and whenever we ask them this question, their answers pretty much fall into these categories.  (One did answer, “The belly button,” when asked, and I didn’t have an answer for that.)

Now, ask a gay guy what he inspects and the answers bounce all over the place, like the choice of flavors board at Baskin Robbins.  “Eyes.  I like a guy who has nice, thoughtful eyes.”  “The chin.  My grandmother always said a man should have a strong chin.”  “His shoulders.”  “His chest, because I like nipples and I like pecs.  Chest, definitely.”  “I like a guy who works out, so his abs.”  “PACKAGE!”  This variety just goes to show you that there are as many different types of people as there are different flavors of ice cream.  Thirty-one flavors just isn’t enough.

But what about guys like me?  What are the first three things an “underwear whore” wants to see?

Let’s start by saying everybody, regardless of sexual preference, likes to look at naked bodies.  We’re hardwired that way.  It starts in kindergarten with the I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours discussion, works its way into our teenage years (“Boobs are awesome.”  “I’m starting to get hair … you know, down there,”), and culminates with the intricate mating rituals we undertake in college (“Dude, there’s a girl in my bed wearing a fireman’s helmet.” “So get her breakfast and send her home.”)  And, being human, we automatically compare size, shape, proportion, girth … again, because of the way our brain works.  We’re also under peer pressure, because if you’re a fetishist and your buddy isn’t, you’re going to end up getting chastised for something the mainstream considers to be weird-kinky-or-just-downright-strange.

Now, I’ll admit that underwear probably isn’t the first thing that enters someone’s mind, unless it’s a plan to get your prospective partner out of them.  Important, sure; but the end result.  When you cross paths with someone like me, yeah … I want to get you out of your shorts, but I’m doing the same inspection that other people have done, except I’m doing it from the point of view of the weird-kinky-or-just-downright-strange attitude of your friends.  Point is, it’s not weird-kinky-or-just-downright-strange to me.  For me, it’s business as usual, and you can apply this point to any person who doesn’t simply want to look at the outward, physical you.

So, what takes the gold, the silver and the bronze to me, the NOT-weird-kinky-or-just-downright-strange guy you’ve met, had a nice time with, and have decided to take home for that first-date-met-you-at-the-bar-go-back-to-your-place-and-act-like-a-complete-slut meeting?  Pull up your mat, Young Grasshopper, and allow Sensei to impart the knowledge to you.  Take notes.  This is important stuff.

I try not to make any value judgments until you’re down to your briefs.  I take my time.  I look for and study any tattoos or scars, because they make interesting conversation.  I take my first real good look at your eyes, since it’s probably the best light we’ve had all night (I try to judge if they’re serious, funny, twinkling, broody … you know, things like that).  And then, I begin the judging process.

The bronze spot on the platform really belongs to the type of underwear.  Most guys have their “bar underwear;” you know, the pair that represents good luck, makes them appear better-endowed, or just has the most number of notches in the waistband.  Boxers are the East German judge giving you a zero-point-zero even though you stuck the landing; the most points will go to the guy who wears something that matches his skin tone (like red for blonds, earth tones for olive-skinned guys, etc.), and who wears it confidently.  I don’t care if you’re 250 pounds – if you feel good in what you’re wearing, I will as well.  You have to consider the brand, too – popular brands speak for themselves.  Is it an everyday pair?  Is it come-hither sultry?

For the silver medal, we have to look at fit.  This makes me sound like size can be a deal-breaker (and for most people, shallow people, it is).  You have to remember that the human body is a complex machine, and it makes adjustments for what we wear.  There are guys who have so much junk they have to wear looser underwear in order to accommodate it all; there are guys who can naturally “suck in,” if you will, which makes their package look more compact until it’s unwrapped.  (Think about the ongoing debate regarding the size of men’s equipment: does the measurement start at the pubic bone or inside; is it more accurate flaccid or erect?)  There’s no hard (bad pun) or fast (worse pun) rule.

Now we come to the Gold Standard.  I’ve looked at type and I’ve looked at fit.  Now, I look specifically at what I have termed “The Triad.”

“The Triad” consists of the following:

Observation #1: Inspect the underwear at the waistline from the back.  Does the small of his back flow into his undershorts in a natural line?  Is there hair?  Is it smooth?  Is there goose flesh because he’s almost buff, or because there's subtle excitement?  Observation #2: “The Swell,” the point at which his shorts accentuate the roundness of his glutes.  You don’t get this with boxers, so the tighter the underwear, the better.  How high up does the rounding start?  Does it seem natural?  Is there “cupping”?  Do you get the hint of the furrow or is it the Grand Canyon?  Does he have butt dimples?  Observation #3: Finally, there’s his “taint” area ('taint the balls and 'taint the ass, it’s the area in-between), better known as the perineum.  Do his boxer briefs appear loose or taut in this area?  How do his thighs look, front and back?  Is there an outline of his skin due to muscles?

And, ta-da!  You’ve just done your first Under-who, Under-when, UNDERWEAR “NOT-weird-kinky-or-just-downright-strange-first-date-met-you-at-the-bar-go-back-to-your-place-and-act-like-a-complete-slut” inspection.  Don’t worry if you don’t get it right the first time – you have to remember this is a process that works for me, and your preferences may be completely different.  And, of course, this Under-who, Under-when, UNDERWEAR “NOT-weird-kinky-or-just-downright-strange-first-date-met-you-at-the-bar-go-back-to-your-place-and-act-like-a-complete-slut” inspection will really only be important if you’re as fixated on undershorts as I am.  If you’re not, well … it can still apply, just in a different way.

Sensei says, “Regardless of where your personal gold, silver, and bronze areas are, remember that we do not play to win, we play for the thrill of the game.”  Try as many or all of the thirty-one flavors and get back to me – I may have been doing it wrong all this time.