Do These Make My Junk Look Big?

Although jeans have been around since 1873, it was James Dean who popularized them in Rebel Without a Cause.  Originally designed as a “workman’s trouser,” (not necessarily) blue jeans have become the “go-to” casual garment.  Like underwear, they come in a variety of styles – skinny, tapered, slim, straight, boot cut, narrow bottom, low waist, anti-fit, pre-shrunk , acid wash and flared.  And, like underwear, the first thing a potential customer will check out is how well they fit in the front (“Do these make my junk look big?”) and the rear (“Do these make my butt look narrow and muscular?”)

When I worked in retail many years ago, I remember quite clearly a sugar daddy and his twink coming into my store for a shopping spree.  While he was running around in various states of undress, I casually remarked, “The best way to break in a pair of jeans is to sleep in them,” which is true.  Sugar Daddy replied, “He doesn’t wear anything when he sleeps.”  I wasn’t sure if that was a simple statement of fact or a command, but I let it pass.

I also got a taste of the shopping aficionado when I visited the Soviet Union (when it technically still was the Soviet Union).  Since foreign goods were difficult to come by in the best of times, not to mention extremely expensive, it wasn’t unusual for people to size you up as you were walking down the street.  It was all extremely cloak-and-dagger: guy falls into step with you, minding his own business; he casually glances around to make sure no one is following him and that there are no police; and then he quietly asks, “You are American?”  An affirmative answer brings the follow-up: “You sell jeans?”

(This was before I became an underwear whore.  I probably could have made a fortune by replying, “You trade underwear?”  Our exchange students have caught on to the fever as well – since everything that teenagers like – clothes, music, and electronics – are cheaper in the United States, they take orders from their friends back home and can charge what they like for shipping and costs.  Good way to make money and get experience in import/export!)

My ultimate pair of jeans would be low-waisted slim fits with a button fly, and I really, really like the darker blue hues that eventually fade out.  They’re awesome.  Nothing better than seeing a hot guy at the bar in a pair of tight jeans and boots, because I know under those tight jeans there’s probably an even tighter pair of underwear (if any at all) just waiting to see the light of morning – or at least, the dimness of a bedroom that isn’t theirs.