To the Nines

As we head into the ninth month, I thought there might be nothing more appropriate than addressing dressing to the nines.  There are only a few times in a guy’s life that he will fork out money for a tuxedo (short of actually buying one outright).  If you live in the Hamptons or in Beverly Hills, more than likely you have one in your closet, and you’re no stranger to walking the red carpet.

But for most of us, tuxedos turn out to be more of a bother, although they can make the wearer feel extremely dapper.  I think, firstly, there are few men who actually want to wear a business suit every day (lawyers, stockbrokers, etc. being the exception); and secondly, there’s a lot of “to-do” that goes into getting suited up.  It used to be really easy – black jacket and pants with satin facings, a bow tie, and cuff links and you were done.  Not the case anymore, as my male exchange students have discovered.

What makes it even worse is that there are certain types that can pull of a tux easier than others – James Bond, for example.  Actors and philanthropists, for another.  The remaining 99% of us have the same issues as everyone else … how does it look?  I’m going to an extremely important event and I want to look my best.  I don’t think this is something your average James Bond, Antonio Banderas, or Matt Bomer worries about.

Girls like formal gatherings such as the prom because it entails shopping.  Guys hate formal gatherings such as the prom because it entails shopping.  I once joined Nancy for prom shopping with two girls she was hosting (one from Germany and the other from Indonesia), and I quickly came to the conclusion that nothing I said was right and I was actually causing more havoc than correcting it.  So, I ended up in the “man chairs” with all the other male prom-shopping casualties – boyfriends, fathers, brothers, etc.

It’s true – guys are easier to shop for in general, and although there are a lot of choices involved in tuxedo shopping, it’s still easier than shopping for and with girls.  But my boys don’t look at it that way, probably because the idea behind a “prom” just doesn’t resonate with the majority of them.  They don’t understand that it’s the event that caps a high-school career, and it’s the one thing (other than her wedding) that a girl has been dreaming of from the age of ten or so.  So, yeah: (young) guys don’t get it.

“Why do I have to wear a tie?”  Because, I answer, it’s part of the look of a tuxedo; it’s formal, and formal has traditionally meant black-tie.  “What’s this thing?”  That is called a cummerbund, and it has two functions – one, to cover your belt line since most tuxedos are cut to fit; and two, to catch excess crumbs while you’re eating.  “It looks stupid.”  Yes, it does, but like the bow tie, it’s part of the overall effect.  “Why do a have to choose a color for my tie and the belt thing?”  Because, I explain patiently, you and your date are supposed to match in color, if not in style.  “What are these?”  Those are tails; this specific kind of coat is called a tail coat.  “I want that gray one.”  You can’t wear the gray kind.  That’s a morning suit.  “What’s a morning suit?”  It’s for a wedding.  It’s what the groom normally wears.  And on and on and on.

What’s even worse is when boys actually step outside of their box and accompany their date on a shopping trip to find the perfect clutch or tiara.  You can hear the sighs of frustration billowing through malls everywhere in April and May as they lament six to eight hours lost they could have spent doing anything (and I mean anything) else, even studying.  My Italian student recounted that, when asked by a school friend how she looked in such-and-such gown, he shrugged and said, “Okay, I guess.”  He described her reactions as, “Just okay?” and the rest of the store’s as a collective gasp of disbelief.

So, fellas – here’s the deal.  If you’re gonna suit up in a tuxedo, you need to be fully invested.  Go for broke.  If nothing else, your date for the evening will appreciate your attention to detail.  Think of everything, and I mean, everything.  What underwear are you gonna wear?  (If the American Pie movies are accurate, then you definitely want a pair that will be picture-perfect for that night.)  Find out her colors, and go with her.  Take her to the tuxedo store with you, it will save you so much time and trouble in the process.  Stand your ground about what you want, but be willing to compromise.  (Because, again, you have to remember that no matter what you say or do, you won’t be doing it right.  This piece of advice also fits when it comes to your wedding day and the delivery of your first child.)

And, imbue in your friends that although the “tuxedo dance” is complicated and bothersome, it’s a necessary rite of passage for men everywhere.  There has to be something you can find that will keep you comfortable and that will make her happy, ‘cause you will never hear the end of it if you mess up her prom, her wedding, or her childbirth if you’re not clothed properly.  Most women don’t consider a ball cap and boxer shorts sticking out of the back of your sagging pants as proper attire.  But make it clear, too, that you are giving her x-number of hours of your undivided attention for shopping and dressing, so she better make it count.

On the flip side, you’ll rest easier knowing your partner is happy, that you’ll be comfortable, and like all of your friends, you’ll be dressed to the nines for the night of your life.