Girl/Guy Fridays

Sexist as it may sound, every guy needs a “Girl Friday:” you know, someone to reel him in when he’s becoming unmanageable.  Be it ex-girlfriend, sister, groupie, best friend, or housekeeper, men just don’t realize that women “get it.”  Women usually have a much better idea of what’s right and what’s wrong; what’s hot and what’s not; and quite frankly, what’s in and what’s out.  Like it or not, all of us need the opposite of the “bromance” (a “sismance”?) – someone who has no sexual interest in the relationship, someone who can be honest and tell him precisely how much of a tool he’s being.

I liken the idea of a “Girl Friday” to Berta on Two and a Half Men.  If you watch the show, you’ll know that Berta cleans up after everyone – because she’s paid to – and dispenses advice on everything from jail to getting stains out of underwear.  She also doesn’t put up with guys’ juvenile antics.  She says what she thinks, and she makes sure that everything in his household runs to her specifications.

I need a Berta.  Tom and I, unfortunately, aren’t in the position to afford a Berta.  (And, quite frankly, I’m blowing the logic of my own post out of the water by admitting that if I could afford a Berta or Berta-like person, that individual would look more like, say, Ian Somerhalder or Paul Wesley.)  But I could use one.  It’s my house, after all, and I hate cleaning it.  And I need someone to reel me in from time to time when I’m being neurotic and can’t think clearly.  I also appreciate another opinion regarding clothing (underwear, of course – “Does this make me look desperate?”) and someone to agree with me, for a change, instead of automatically agreeing with Tom or taking his side in an argument.

The correct Berta is hard to come by, though.  First of all, you want to hire someone who’s in the country legally.  (Very important.  One can’t be running afoul of the INS.)  Next, you need someone who isn’t afraid to take control over their area of expertise, but also knows when you’re the one in charge.  (After all, you’re the one writing the checks.)  You also need someone you’re not attracted to.  (Again, blowing my own supposition out of the water with this comment and definitely treading in sexism.)  And, last but not least, you need someone who can be sympathetic at one moment and a drill sergeant the next.

The best I would be able to come by in a Berta would probably be a Polish grandmother-type.  She cooks, she cleans, she feeds me because she thinks I’m thin – but unfortunately won’t give a rat’s a** about how I look in a pair of Unico, much less a three-piece suit.  But if I could come up with a Berta that wasn’t Ian Somerhalder or Paul Wesley, I think I would want the Jodie Foster type.  She’s smart, knows when to keep her mouth shut, is professional, and has been in the business a long time.  She would be one of those people who would make it obvious you can’t live without her, and you’ve barely gotten by during all these years without her.

Still, though, I want my fantasy – an Ian Somerhalder or Paul Wesley.  You know, a houseboy.  And yes, I want him to be foreign and in need of a green card.  Yes, I want him to feel free to clean the house in a Speedo (Terry Miller does, according to husband Dan Savage, and he’s in the country legally).  And, I want him to be able to cook, clean, and tell me precisely why I can’t wear that color and lend me his underwear because it’s sexier.  The connotation, unfortunately, of the word “houseboy” implies “young and doing whatever it is to get by,” which doesn’t necessarily translate to experience.

What do you think?  Berta or Berto?  Older, world-weary and experienced woman or younger, muscle-all-over and just learning all of the right words in English?  I hate to say it, by I’m stuck.  I need a Girl Friday, but I don’t want her to be a girl.  Is that sexist?  (There are so many candidates and ethnicities to choose from!)